Taking the Piss at Genesis: The Great Flood Edition — Where Did All the Water Go?

Imagine the most ridiculous disaster movie ever made. Now multiply that by the combined nonsense of all fantasy epics, throw in a hefty dose of talking animals, and you’ve got the biblical account of Noah’s flood. But today, we’re not here to talk about the animals crammed aboard that hilariously undersized floating zoo. Nope. Today, we’re diving into something even more ludicrous — the water itself.

Where Did All That Water Come From? And Where Did It Go?

According to Genesis, the Earth was covered by a global flood that reached the lofty heights of Mount Ararat, a peak that stands at a casual 5,137 meters (16,854 feet). Now, let’s do some math (brace yourself, creationists, this is going to hurt).

To submerge the Earth to that height, you’d need roughly 4.6 billion cubic kilometers of water. For context, that’s more than twice the amount of water currently on the planet. So, where exactly did all that extra water come from?

Did God have a celestial firehose stashed somewhere behind the Milky Way? Maybe He had a cosmic bucket brigade passing water from neighboring planets. No? Then perhaps the “fountains of the deep” referenced in Genesis are just a fancy way of saying, “We have no idea, but it sounds mystical, doesn’t it?”

And where did it all go afterward? According to the Bible, it simply “drained away.” Ah, yes. Of course! It just magically poofed into oblivion. Problem solved. Except, no. Because if we suddenly drained 4.6 billion cubic kilometers of water, we wouldn’t just lose the water — we’d lose half the marine life too. The ocean’s inhabitants would be sucked along for the ride like goldfish flushed down a cosmic toilet.

Imagine the chaos: whales stuck in deserts, jellyfish landing in forests, and sharks flopping around in suburban backyards. If you thought Noah had a logistical nightmare with the ark, picture the mess outside it. Seriously, the biblical writers could have at least spared us some dignity and told us where the water went.

Freshwater vs. Saltwater: The Salty Debate

Now, let’s talk about what happens when you mix saltwater with freshwater. Spoiler: it’s bad. Really bad.

The flood supposedly lasted 150 days, during which the Earth was submerged in water. Creationists can’t agree on whether this was saltwater or freshwater — probably because neither option works. If it was freshwater, then all saltwater marine life would have died. Fish, corals, whales, you name it — they’re toast. You can’t throw saltwater species into a giant freshwater bathtub and expect them to live.

“Ah,” say the creationists, “but what if it was saltwater?” Great, now you’ve got the opposite problem. Freshwater species like trout, bass, and all those cute little pond fish you had as a kid? Dead. They can’t survive in salty conditions any more than you can drink seawater without regretting your life choices.

And if we assume the flood covered the entire planet, what exactly happened after the floodwaters receded? How did the oceans get salty again in just 6,000 years? The total estimated amount of salt in the Earth’s oceans is approximately 46.62 quadrillion metric tons. Here’s the kicker: to reach the current salinity levels of the oceans, you’d need to add 21.27 billion metric tons of salt per day over 6000 years. That’s enough salt to turn the Dead Sea into a giant salt lick for gods… every day!

But wait, there’s more. Freshwater and saltwater species aren’t just different because of where they live; they have wildly different biology. Saltwater fish regulate their internal salinity through specialized cells and mechanisms to handle high salt concentrations, while freshwater fish are designed to retain salts and prevent dilution. The DNA and specific adaptations required for survival in these environments are not interchangeable. You can’t just take a trout, toss it in seawater, and expect it to evolve gills that filter salt within weeks — or even millennia. The supposed diversification from “kinds” aboard the ark can’t explain this without invoking spontaneous, unexplained genetic changes — something creationists conveniently reject when discussing evolution.

And what about the deep-sea creatures? You know, the ones that live at depths of 4,000 to 10,000 meters, enduring immense pressure in the pitch-black abyss? Imagine doubling that pressure by adding twice as much water. Those critters would have been squished like grapes. If you want to feel it yourself, just dive into the Mariana Trench without protective gear — oh, wait, you can’t.

The Silver Fox Experiment and Evolution (Oh No, the E-Word!)

But wait — creationists have an answer! They claim that all animals aboard the ark had the genetic diversity of their “kind” already encoded in their DNA. Therefore, after the flood, species supposedly “diversified” into what we see today.

Let’s break this down:

• According to them, the “kinds” on the ark magically turned into thousands of species in just 6,000 years. That’s faster than a Hollywood reboot franchise.
• The genetic changes necessary for this level of diversification would require massive amounts of new genetic information. But remember — they don’t believe in evolution. Oops.

Let’s look at an actual scientific experiment: the silver fox experiment in Russia. By selectively breeding foxes over a few decades, scientists observed significant behavioral and physical changes, including floppy ears, wagging tails, and playful behavior. The takeaway? DNA evolves. Natural selection drives changes we can see and measure.

And let’s not forget the yearly mutations in viruses and bacteria. Ever wonder why we need a new flu vaccine every year? It’s because pathogens evolve, their DNA changes, and they adapt to survive. This is observable, verifiable science — the kind you won’t find on a creationist YouTube channel.

The Grand Finale: The Ultimate Flood of Nonsense

So, let’s recap:

1. Twice as much water as we have on Earth magically appeared, flooded the planet, and then disappeared without a trace.
2. Saltwater species and freshwater species should have all died from the massive disruption, yet somehow didn’t.
3. Saltwater and freshwater species have wildly different biological adaptations, meaning their DNA doesn’t allow for magical overnight transformations. Evolution doesn’t work that way — and creationism’s version doesn’t work at all.
4. Deep-sea creatures would have been annihilated by the extreme pressure increase, rendering the “worldwide flood” theory even more laughable.
5. The genetic diversity argument contradicts the very idea of fixed “kinds” and proves evolution, the thing creationists refuse to accept.
6. The flood narrative is so riddled with inconsistencies that it would make Douglas Adams proud.

In conclusion, the flood story is more waterlogged than the ark itself. If you want to believe in fairy tales, that’s fine. But don’t try to pass them off as science — because the evidence isn’t just missing, it’s drowning in a sea of contradictions.

Let’s leave the fantasy where it belongs and focus on what the evidence actually tells us: the Earth is old, evolution is real, and the only flood we need to worry about is the flood of nonsense coming from creationist channels.

Stay skeptical, stay curious, and for heaven’s sake — stay dry.